Infidelity is not a new phenomenon. However, the five decades since 1960 have certainly seen an uptick in it. Today, as many as 20% of married men and 13% of married women cheat on their partners.
What should you do if you discover your significant other has had an affair?
In this blog post, we discuss ten questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, together with important techniques to learn more about their activities.
But first, let’s address the ultimate question.
Why Do People Cheat?
Cheating is not always a rational decision and could be the result of various reasons.
For example, for most partners, cheating is a natural consequence when they fall out of love with their primary partner or when there is a lack of perceived love, attention, or affection in a relationship.
Some engage in infidelity to fulfill unmet physical needs. Typically, their affairs would not involve emotional relationships.
Self-doubt and low self-esteem can also lead individuals to cheat. In such instances, they would seek validation or an opportunity to improve their confidence through an extramarital relationship.
Revenge, trauma, and impulsive actions can also drive people to cheat on their partners.
What is important to note is the diverse nature of factors that could trigger infidelity. Clearly, not all of them are due to a faltering relationship or something you may have done wrong. More importantly, some might not even be preventable despite your best efforts.
So, instead of repenting or blaming yourself, you should focus on a course of action to deal with the situation at hand, possibly to save your marriage or relationship.
10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Betrayal can be excruciatingly painful. Feelings of hurt, despair, and regret are common when a person finds out their partner has had an affair.
The first reaction to a cheating husband or wife is often anger. Lingering silences and unanswered questions will only exacerbate the situation.
To find solutions and determine what’s next for your relationship, you must keep communication channels open. Let your spouse know the importance of an honest conversation and that you are keen to hear their side of the story. Open-ended questions, in particular, can help you gain meaningful insights into what had transpired and why.
Keep in mind that going into details of an illicit relationship could be painful. But it is a part of the healing process you cannot skip.
Here are important questions to ask your unfaithful partner when you find out they have had an affair.
1. Why Did You Cheat?
The truth is, a person could have multiple reasons for having an affair behind their primary partner’s back. This question will help shed light on those motives.
By understanding your partner’s intentions and thought process, you might be able to save your marriage.
For example, when a lack of care and affection leads someone into infidelity, you can likely salvage the relationship by restoring intimacy and being receptive to each other’s needs.
2. How Long Has It Been Going on?
Was it a one off encounter? Or has the affair been going on for an extended period? If so, for how long? Based on the answers, you can determine how serious the affair is.
Also, find out at which point your partner made the decision to see someone else. Knowing this is essential for identifying specific events in your relationship that may have triggered infidelity.
3. Was It Just Physical or Were There Emotions Involved?
One-night stands and flings typically indicate a purely physical relationship. These are easier to end, and there is a good chance you could make amends and save your relationship if you are willing to forgive.
Serious emotional affairs, on the other hand, could be difficult to break off. A cheating spouse also might not be so forthright in discussing the depth of their extramarital relationship if it is serious. You may have to probe to uncover more details.
4. Do You Feel Guilty?
If a person is aware of what they have done wrong, they will often be consumed with guilt. This is even more so when they still have feelings for their primary partner.
In addition to your partner’s answer, pay attention to how they respond to this question. Their tone and body language could hint at remorse or lack of it.
5. Did You Tell Him/Her About Us?
Has your spouse discussed you and your marriage with the affair partner? This could signal emotional intimacy between them.
If they are close, it is possible they have discussed a future together as well.
Sometimes, the affair partner may not even know you exist. People who cheat often lie not only to their spouses but to those they have affairs with, too.
6. Have You Cheated With Anyone Else?
How many times has your partner cheated in his or her life? Have they two-timed anyone else?
These are important questions that could hint at deep-rooted issues of an unfaithful partner. For instance, having multiple affairs or cheating on their previous partners may indicate commitment issues.
7. Did You Ever Think About Us When You Were With Him/Her?
Have they ever thought of you while they were with the other person? The answer to this question may hurt either way.
But at least if they respond yes, it may mean they still care about you.
8. Did the Affair Fulfill Your Unmet Needs?
This is one of the most insightful questions you can ask a cheating wife or husband to get them to reflect on what led to their actions and the ultimate outcomes.
Many people who cheat are driven by emotions, from lust to anger, instead of rational thinking. In such instances, the consequences can often differ from what they initially anticipated.
Getting them to realize it is easier with this type of question.
9. How Do You Think Your Actions Make Me Feel?
This is not all about making an unfaithful person feel guilty.
It can also force them to become more aware of the impact of their behavior on the lives of others, including you and your family.
If they have not thought about it already, this will be an excellent opportunity to get them to contemplate on and empathize with how you are feeling.
10. Are You Willing to Work on Our Relationship?
The answer will play a major role in ascertaining whether or not you should fight for your marriage and the possibility of restoring the relationship.
So, before you decide on your next step, have an open conversation to understand your partner’s willingness to commit, endure the process, and rebuild trust.
Of course, if you are unable to imagine a future together following the discovery of your partner’s infidelity, the response to this question would hardly make a difference. However, knowing that they value your relationship may certainly provide some consolation for you to move on.
Identifying an Unfaithful Partner
An unfaithful spouse may not always give you honest responses when probed and be upfront about an affair. In such moments, you must find answers on your own.
Here are proven tips every betrayed partner must know to uncover more details about infidelity.
- Watch Out for Unusual Behavior
Those having extramarital affairs display certain telltale behaviors. For example, a person may show a sudden interest in their appearance, spend an unusual amount of time on their phone, or leave home early and get back late.
- Track the Location History
If your spouse lies constantly about where they have been, you don’t always need to get a PA to tail them. Thanks to technology, there are several methods to find location-specific information of just about anyone.
One technique is checking the recently visited locations on Google Maps and GPS systems. If your partner uses a ride-hailing app, you can also check the details of the last few rides on it.
- Check the Call Log
If you suspect your partner is lying or hiding a secret affair, check their phone history to get useful insights into who they are regularly communicating with.
Then, reverse search the number you find suspicious on Nuwber. The platform could find the first and last name and social media links of a number’s owner for you to learn more about them.
To Wrap Up
Every marriage has ups and downs. However, infidelity could have devastating consequences, affecting all those involved and inflicting irreparable damage to relationships.
If you ever catch your partner cheating, use the ten questions we have discussed to gain a deeper understanding of the situation before you make any decisions. However, bear in mind that the truth could hurt you. So, stay strong and prepare yourself to weather the storm.
FAQ
Is it ethical to go through my partner’s phone to find out who they are texting or calling?
Generally, it is not okay to check your partner’s phone. However, if you suspect that you are being cheated on and your partner doesn’t admit it, learning who they are communicating with is essential.
How can I tell if my spouse is remorseful for their infidelity?
It can be reflected in their tone and body language. Those who feel remorseful usually hold themselves accountable and are willing to discuss the problem to save the relationship.
Are there any support groups or resources available for individuals dealing with a cheating spouse?
Infidelity Survivors Anonymous and Daily Strength are support groups for people who have experienced infidelity. If you want advice from professionals, the Infidelity Recovery Institute provides self-help materials for infidelity survivors.
Is therapy effective in dealing with the consequences of infidelity?
Yes, therapy is effective. An experienced therapist can help you reflect on what has happened, acknowledge your feelings, and protect your mental health. Counseling could also enable you to put things in perspective so you could weigh your best options in dealing with your partner’s extramarital affair.
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