According to a study by BetterHelp, 47% of Americans stress about their love life. Cheating and communication breakdown typically rank high among the reasons relationships fail. But there are many other underlying issues that may contribute to breakups. Fear of abandonment is one that often goes unnoticed.
Experiencing abandonment, whether it is by a parent, partner, or friend, is a traumatic event for anyone, regardless of age. It could leave a lasting effect, impacting their mental well-being and the ability to develop and sustain lasting relationships with others.
Abandonment fear is not officially diagnosed as a mental health condition. It is instead considered a symptom of various ailments. And if left untackled, it can interfere with an individual’s ability to build healthier relationships.
So, what exactly is a fear of abandonment, and what can you do to heal from it? Let’s find out.
Abandonment Fears and Attachment Styles
Anxiety about abandonment is often linked to how people experience attachment (or the lack of it).
Primarily, attachment styles can be categorized as anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Those with an anxious attachment style experience fear of separation from their primary attachment figure, which could eventually develop into anxiety and depression.
They may have low self esteem, feel insecure in relationships, seek constant reassurance, and come across as clingy.
They will constantly fear separation or losing their partner to someone else. As a result, they may have over-pleasing, manipulative, codependent, or jealous behaviors. These individuals are more likely to stay in abusive relationships out of fear of being lonely.
In the avoidant attachment style, a person may avoid emotional intimacy, preventing others from getting close to them.
They are often reluctant to trust people and can struggle to open up to others. Being emotionally unavailable, they may come across as distant and aloof. This could eventually trigger break ups and hamper their ability to establish close interpersonal relationships.
An individual with disorganized attachment, on the other hand, displays both anxious and avoidant behaviors at different levels.
The specific type of attachment style a person has developed will provide insights into how they formulate and behave in relationships and the underlying issues that affect their fears of abandonment.
What Can Cause Abandonment Issues?
Understanding the causes of an abandonment wound is critical for the healing process.
According to most experts, things someone has experienced in the past as a child are often at the root of their abandonment fears, although in some cases, events encountered during adulthood may also have an impact. Common causes include:
Separation or Loss
An unexpected loss or separation from a loved one due to death, divorce, or a similar reason could make an individual anxious about being abandoned.
Neglect
Hurt, rejection, and confusion caused by neglect of primary caregivers may result in abandonment feelings in children.
Abuse and Trauma
Traumatic experiences, such as childhood abuse, could influence and alter how someone sees the world and responds to others as an adult.
Healing From an Abandonment Wound: The Essential Steps
The process of healing abandonment wounds demands deliberate action.
What specific measures can you take?
Build Awareness
Spending time to build your knowledge about attachment and abandonment is vital for putting things in perspective, separating facts from fiction, and identifying the necessary initiatives and tactics for tackling abandonment-related issues. This can be important for both self-diagnosing and detecting red flags in a loved one’s behavior.
For example, if you are concerned that your partner is cheating on you, you can ease your suspicions by reverse searching the phone numbers on their call list. However, if you still feel excessively suspicious and anxious, it could be a sign of an abandonment wound.
Prioritize Self-Reflection
For the healing process to begin, you must first acknowledge your behaviors and emotional responses toward others in your life. For this, self-reflection is key.
It will allow you to understand your emotions and thought processes and how they affect your relationships with loved ones.
You can also identify past events that influence your emotional and behavioral patterns and what is required for moving forward while prioritizing your own needs. This will enable you to approach future relationships with a fresh perspective.
Seek Support
To heal from abandonment wounds, you need a strong support system.
A close friend or family member you already trust will not only provide a listening ear but can also create a sense of security and comfort and help boost self esteem and confidence.
At the same time, seeking support from a therapist can also be beneficial to expedite the healing process. An experienced professional could equip you with suitable tools and techniques to tackle abandonment fears and develop healthy relationships.
Practice Self Care
Physical and emotional well being based on self love and care is essential for any healing journey.
This means adopting healthy habits, such as getting adequate sleep, exercising regularly, consuming a well-balanced diet, taking up a hobby, and spending time in nature.
Relaxation techniques that include deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can also help immensely to ease anxious thoughts when you are feeling stress or fear in a relationship.
To Recap
A fear of abandonment can often lead to relationship troubles, preventing people from establishing healthy and long-lasting bonds with those around them.
Of course, how such fears are projected can vary from person to person. Some may have difficulties showing vulnerability and being emotionally open, while others may get clingy, jealous, and codependent.
Many experts believe that the loss of a loved one, separation, neglect, rejection, and abuse experienced as a child can lead to abandonment wounds.
However, healing abandonment issues is not impossible. For this, you must build awareness, prioritize self-reflection, and practice self care.
But keep in mind that each person has their own way of healing. So, speaking to a therapist could be essential for identifying the necessary tools and techniques to help overcome your specific fears.
FAQ
How can I tell if I have an abandonment wound?
Signs of abandonment issues could greatly differ between individuals. To a large extent, they can depend on the type of attachment a person forms.
For example, symptoms displayed by those with an anxious attachment style can include insecurity, constant anxiety about separation or breakups, excessive jealousy, and staying in toxic relationships.
Avoidant attachment can lead to trust and commitment issues, emotional detachment, rejection avoidance, and relationship sabotage.
At the core, many people with abandonment wounds will have trouble forming healthy relationships with symptoms affecting both their mental and physical health.
Can someone with abandonment issues form healthier relationships?
Absolutely.
It is true that if left unaddressed, abandonment wounds could lead to relationship problems and even emotional trauma.
However, by seeking help and taking the necessary remedial steps over time, a person could develop healthy relationships and lead a fulfilling life.
Remember, the triggers of abandonment fears typically trace back to an individual’s childhood experiences. Understanding, acknowledging, and addressing them is critical for moving forward.
Depending on the particular symptoms displayed and the underlying events that have led to a fear of abandonment, the support required by an individual may differ. For many, professional therapy could be necessary for effective results.
When should I seek therapy to heal abandonment wounds?
Seeking support is important if you find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship (may it be with a romantic partner, friend, or someone else) or think a fear of abandonment is affecting your mental and physical well-being.
A therapist could help you reflect on your experiences, identify the specific past events that led to your abandonment wounds, and adopt an appropriate coping mechanism to manage your emotional responses.
The type of therapy needed is unique to each person. Based on your symptoms and circumstances, treatments can include cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy.
How long does it take to recover from abandonment fear?
As with any other mental and physical health condition, it is wrong to expect results within a fixed time period when it comes to abandonment issues.
Everyone experiences life in their own unique way. And a person’s past and current circumstances and events can impact their emotional state and the healing process.
Besides, healing is a journey that requires commitment, hard work, and consistent action toward positive change. Importantly, it takes time.
The good news is, a fear of abandonment can eventually subside, provided you take effective measures to address it.
What is the best way to deal with someone having abandonment fears?
If you sense your partner or loved one is experiencing abandonment fears, encourage open communication and work with them to identify the specific events that have triggered their attachment style. This will allow you to help and support them with a better understanding.
If they have encountered neglect by a parent, for instance, creating an environment where they feel safe and supporting them to overcome self doubt and insecurities could be important.
However, ensure you look after your own mental well-being and create the necessary boundaries to prevent unhealthy behaviors.
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